Marriage Tips

By Phoenix Delray

Deciding to contact a marriage counselor is an important step in confronting problems and dilemmas head on. Just as important, however, is deciding what you hope to gain from your counseling sessions and what your expectations of the counselor may be. Ask yourself, for example, why you are consulting a counselor in the first place, making sure that you have taken the time to fully identify the issues that are creating problems in your relationship. Make an outline, with your partner if possible, of what you hope to gain from counseling.

After you have done this, decide whether it is important to you that your marriage counselor is married or not, whether it is important to you that they are familiar with the specific issues in your relationship or not, and whether or not it is important that your marriage counselor has children of their own. Also consider whether you prefer a female counselor or a male, and how far you are willing to drive and how many hours you are available to commit to counseling sessions.

While private insurance covers most counseling sessions, insurance plans do vary, and not everyone has insurance. This is why the issue of cost is vital in the decision to choose a marriage counselor. Some questions to ask include how much the therapist charges for each session, whether the therapist charges according to income, what the policies are concerning missed or canceled sessions and vacations, whether payment is expected after each session or billed periodically, and how long the sessions last, which segues into the next topic, things to ask your family and marriage counselor.

Be sure to ask your family and marriage counselor how many times a week they will want to see you, how long they expect your treatment to last, the types of treatment approaches that are used, whether your therapist accepts phone calls at home, who to contact in an emergency in the event that your therapist is not available, and the types of limits placed on confidentiality.

Credentials vary by therapist. MSW stands for Master of Social Work, MFCC stands for Marriage, Family, and Child Counselor, MFT stands for Marriage and Family Therapist and LCSW stands for Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Once you have narrowed down your search, the next step is to schedule a consultation with the prospective marriage counselor and your partner. Remember, recognizing a problem and taking steps to change it are the first and most important steps toward healthier, longer lasting relationships for life.

About The Author

For more information about marriage counselors, see divorce counseling

By Stu Silverberg

On Valentine’’s Day you show your love and appreciation for your partner, parents and loved ones by showering them with love, affection, cards, gifts and dinner. Even though it’’s often difficult to find the right gifts, here are some very unique Valentine’’s Day gift ideas that you will definitely enjoy reading about and will put a smile on your face.

You need to know the likes and dislikes of your partner. Make sure to buy them something they would like. Don”t go overboard though. Valentine’’s Day is not as commercial as Christmas. But do something special on this day! Maybe go to a restaurant you”ve been meaning to visit or buy a new spring clothing item which should be available in stores after they get rid of all the Christmas stuff. You can also go to a movie you”ve both been waiting to see. Or why not cook a romantic candlelight dinner at home with a bottle of champagne or wine?

If you”ve only known each other for a short time, just spend some time together. This can be a great gift in itself. Also, go have a romantic dinner and see a popular movie.

Of course what you buy and do depends on your budget. But splurge a little. Maybe splurge big time! You only live once, so they say. If you can afford to splurge, just do it. And if the two of you haven”t had much alone time together lately or haven”t done anything fun for a while because of so many family responsibilities, then make this Valentine’’s Day really count and go out on the town for an amazing dinner at the best place in town and then a show at a theater, concert hall, etc.

Now For Some Really Great Valentine’’s Day Gift Ideas

If you can spare several days and take some vacation time, make this your opportunity to take a short trip to Las Vegas or a winter ski resort or somewhere else that the both of you have been wanting to visit and go have a great time together. This mini vacation will absolutely make both of you very happy and will create many memories to reflect upon for years to come. Really, think about doing it!

If you really cannot afford anything too extravagant, just do something fun and simple like pizza and a movie and send the kids to an overnight destination with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters or whoever, so the two of you can be alone for a change.

And don”t forget that it’’s the thought that counts so I guess you can just tell your partner that you were thinking about buying them a new mansion with a team of butlers and maids to take care of everything or maybe a new Mercedes, BMW or Porsche.

But whatever you do on this upcoming Valentine’’s Day, just have a great time and enjoy the company of your loved ones.

About The Author

Dr. Stu Silverberg is a writer, teacher and edutainment specialist on a variety of topics; (Edutainment = education + entertainment) Be sure to visit his website Holiday of the Month Club for some great Valentine’’s Day gifts and other gift ideas for holidays throughout the year.

By Jimmy Cox

Many of our greatest problems arise from the fact that people insist upon doing what is contrary to their own self interest. This is true even in marriage. However, there are several questions you should consider to ensure that you remain happy and healthy throughout your marriage.

Poor choices in marriage result not only from bad judgment, or the deceitfulness of glamour and romance. They also can express distress of the personality. We can see this distress fairly clearly in marriage ”on the rebound.” We understand that a jilted person wants to bolster up his pride and ‘’show” his friends. Therefore he may marry a person whom he would not consider seriously, if he were not under serious emotional stress.

Less easily recognized is the marriage which is entered into to ”get even” with someone, usually one’’s parents. Children often grow up with strong feelings of resentment against their parents. Such feelings may lead them to select unsuitable marriage partners because the parents will strongly object. Thus the daughter of a conservative but domineering millionaire marries a Communist. The minister’’s son who has come to hate his father, marries an avowed atheist. Children of prim, respectable families marry characters who are questionable. Such bases for selection are understandable, but hardly sound.

A lack of mental health may show itself in the emotional inability of people who want to and could marry, to do so. George has been engaged three times to three different girls. Each time the same thing happened. As the date for the wedding approached, he found that he could not go through with it. He had nothing against any of the girls. It was marriage that he feared. George has some deep emotional difficulty which only a psychiatrist could likely correct. But his “instinct” is sound. He is not ready to marry.

Marriage is a vocation which calls for careful training. Whether or not you get this training will depend in part upon your emotional attitudes. When she first married, Ruth could not keep within shouting distance of her budget. She had little idea of what, where, and how to buy, and often paid much too much. She did not know how to cook, and ruined too much of the food she bought, including some expensive steaks. But Ruth was able and willing to learn. She read books and studied buying guides.

When a couple first marry they often lack important skills, not only in buying and cooking, but in social graces, sexual adjustments and tending the furnace. These lacks may prove distressing. They need not be serious, provided you are willing to do what is necessary to overcome them. This willingness is largely a matter of psychological maturity

You have both come emotionally, as well as physically from your parents. While you were growing up as children your ideas of right and wrong, and your political and religious opinions came largely from them. Even in your feelings you often reflected their feelings. For many years you were Poppa’’s girl, or perhaps Momma’’s boy.

Your emotional weaning from your parents did not come all at once. It had to come gradually. The first step was often the shift of interest from your parents to someone like your parents.

The girl of twenty who wants to marry the man of forty-five may actually be marrying not a husband, but a kind of father. Until a person has become mature enough to be weaned from his or her own parents so completely as to need no substitute, he is not ready for marriage. A second danger is that in a few years the younger person may grow up. If this happens, the girl may find that she no longer wants a father, but a real husband who is not the man to whom she is married

Mental health is by no means the only important essential for success in marriage. But of all the factors, it is probably the most important. For it is the foundation of so many other essentials. To be sure, the foundation is not all there is to the house. But unless this is right, nothing else can be.

About The Author

Stop! Before You Marry, You Must Follow These Wedding Checklists.

Click here for FREE online Ebook

http://www.weddingchecklists.net/

By Rosemary Lichtman

As Baby Boomers continue to age, the rise in incidence of serious illness affects nearly every family – especially if you”re a member of the Sandwich Generation. When you or your spouse develops cancer, heart disease, stroke or another chronic illness, it can change every aspect of your lives together. How to talk meaningfully with each other about the situation is a common concern.

Dialoging with your partner in the midst of a health crisis often reflects rather typical differences between men and women – particularly in what they want from each other. Whereas a woman may need to be heard and understood, a man may be intent on finding a solution to the problem.

The result is that, even though your partner wants to be supportive when you are sick, you may be surprised to find that it is difficult for him to talk with you about your deepest thoughts and worries. This can lead to conversations that are not authentic and cause you to feel your emotions are being discounted.

After her surgery for ovarian cancer, Ella thought that her partner acted in ways that downplayed her anxiety and angst. Intellectually she knew that the operation had gone well and her prognosis was good. But she was depressed and needed to express her negative feelings. If she was going to feel better, she knew that she had to begin dealing with them. “He didn”t want to talk about my fears and even withdrew from his own emotions. It upset him when I felt scared or cried. All he could focus on was my being fine and us getting on with our lives.”

Serious illness can lead to unique struggles in your communications. Consider the following possibilities about why you may be having trouble talking openly and honestly with your partner. Then put these issues on the table so that you both can see what is going on.

1. Your spouse is in denial about the seriousness of your condition because he himself needs to believe that everything will be ok. He is motivated to use this kind of coping strategy in an attempt to minimize his own sadness and fears, as well as yours.

2. Naturally, it is painful for your partner to see you vulnerable and distressed. His reaction to this is to try to talk you out of your negative feelings in a misguided belief that, by being overly protective, he can take away your suffering.

3. As in other circumstances, your husband wants to fix everything when you instead need him to listen and provide support as you unburden yourself. You can gently remind him that what you want is for him to be quiet and focus on really hearing what you have to say.

4. Your partner feels threatened, fearing that he could lose you. When he sees how difficult the process is for you, he pulls back emotionally to protect himself and cover up his anxiety. Unfortunately this feels like rejection to you, further complicating your own emotional reaction.

5. The added responsibilities of taking care of you and the house in the midst of his worries about your health may be taking a toll. Feeling exhausted often overcomes caregivers and resentment builds. The challenges both of you are facing may lead to negative feelings, including anger and guilt.

6. Not surprisingly, your spouse is unable to fully comprehend what your illness is causing you to give up – feelings of control and invulnerability, your self-identity as a well person or expectations of a disease-free future. Consequently he may expect that you will be over your upsetting emotions sooner than you are. It’’s up to you to explain to him the depth of your losses, both present and future.

7. It may help to think about how you would react to a decline in your partner’’s well being, were the tables turned. It could easily threaten your sense of stability and change the role you play in your marriage. Blaire found herself pulling away from her husband in fear and anger. “Since my husband’’s heart attack I hold back on love. It’’s self-protective. He’’s not taking care of himself – he won”t lose weight or stop smoking. I”m afraid I”ll lose him to an early death.”

Facing a serious illness together leads to a complex set of reactions by both. This makes it even more important for you to reveal your feelings to each other, frankly and candidly. As you begin to accept the difficulties in your conversations, you will also become aware of the positives that accompany the health challenges you have met together. Coping with a major disease often leads to a new perspective – with a greater appreciation of the preciousness of life – and a sense of increased intimacy with your partner. As you continue to move forward, your emotional closeness will be reflected in the deeper conversations that you share.

(c) 2008, Her Mentor Center

About The Author

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. is a co-founder, with Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D., of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers” family relationships. They offer newsletter Stepping Stones.

By Jimmy Cox

Our American domestic difficulties result in part from an inadequate emphasis before marriage upon probable parenthood, and a relative lack of stress upon and preparation for its responsibilities when it comes. We seem to assume constantly that marriage is for two (or really one plus one), and the complicating fact is that it is so – for a while. But for a while only. Then, normally, the term marriage gives way to that of the family, which is for three or more.

So many, too many, of our young people stumble, as it were, upon parenthood, which is, after all, the core and essence of family life. It is only after parenthood has come that they “discover” that they have given, as a lifelong hostage, a part of themselves to another person and another family strain.

The relative lack of emphasis upon parenthood involves the whole question of what the purpose of education for marriage and family living should be.

Should it deal primarily with topics and questions with which young people are concerned at the moment – such as dating, petting, premarital sex liberties, and the like – or should it strike more serious notes, dealing with ultimate problems and voicing the verdict of experience on matters which experience has shown to be of prior importance? Should preparation for marriage be designed to please the students by repeating current shibboleths or should it look ahead to such primary problems as those of parenthood?

Attitudes Toward Parenthood Are Complex

One of the pleasing fictions of our culture is that each child comes into the world as a bundle of joy to eagerly waiting married lovers, and that the mere fact of becoming parents confers all the insights and skills which parenthood demands. Obviously this is far from the truth. What does go to the heart of the matter are the attitudes of the couple toward the new arrival, whatever those attitudes may be. The importance of such attitudes for child development has long been recognized: our emphasis here is that they are equally significant for husband-and-wife relationships.

The attitude toward parenthood, like all attitudes, is very complex. It is important to stress this fact because much discussion of recent years, both in popular and so-called scientific circles, has assumed it to be a very simple thing. Thus one is told, in a sort of rubber-stamping, machine-classifying sort of way, that all children are either wanted or unwanted, just as though one’’s feelings about such an important thing as bringing another human being into the world could be neatly packaged in a single adjective.

The attitude toward parenthood is a complex compounded out of many emotional ingredients. Its roots penetrate far back into the parents” own life experiences – their lives as children, the kind of parents they had, the whole range of their experiences and values. One’’s whole religious philosophy is involved, for, from the beginning, religion has assumed dominion over sex and reproduction. For many years these two were inseparable.

It is only in recent years that contraceptive sophistication has added overtones of decision to the conditioning influence of other factors. In this, as in other connections, one’’s religious philosophy exists independent of church connections or overt confessions of faith. We recall, from one of our research projects, the case of a man, profane beyond most men, who spoke earnestly of man’’s duty to God, whose name he constantly took in vain, to “multiply and replenish the earth.”

There seem to be marked differences in many cases between the attitudes toward parenthood of men and women. On the whole, men tend to be more practical, women to be more emotional. Men are concerned with the costs of parenthood – financial and otherwise; women are more optimistic, even when as practical, believing that they can manage somehow. Obviously there are exceptions to these general statements. In either event, it is important to remember that the attitude toward parenthood is an individual, not a family or group, matter. This fact, too, often seems to be lost in the easy assumptions about wanted or unwanted children.

Thus it would seem imperative that young people be given a proper understanding not only of dating and marriage, but of the problems associated with parenthood too.

About The Author

Revealed: Step-By-Step Secrets On What To Say And Do To Stop Any Marriage Problem.

Click here for FREE online Ebook

http://www.marriageproblem.net/

By Lisa Copen

When your wife has a chronic illness, though you may love her no matter what, it can be hard for her to get into a romantic mood. Physical pain from the actual illness to weight gain or loss, bloating, and less-than-fun symptoms of medication can all be a deterrent to some romantic moments.

It’’s important to know that you are not alone. Nearly 1 in 2 people live with a chronic illness in the U.S. which means that a lot of marriages are disrupted by this uninvited third party of illness, often including mental illness as well. Sadly, seventy-five percent of them end in divorce.

Is it possible for you to make a difference and let her know you want to romance her? Of course! With a few simple ideas, you can get the spark back into your marriage.

Go ahead and buy her that box of chocolate, but if she is watching her weight, don”t ruin her diet. Instead find some Russell Stover’’s sugar free chocolate at your local Target or even the pharmacy. Chocolate, along with coconut, pecans, and many more, all contain phenyl ethylamine, a chemical that produces the feeling of “being in love.” Good place to start, don”t you think?

Hold her hand. Yes, I know. You”re hoping for more than just holding hands. But if it takes a woman without an illness awhile to get in the mood, you can imagine the affection she needs in order to forget her physical pain. Rub her back carefully, use an endearing name you haven”t used in five years, and don”t pressure her for more. Snuggle, cuddle, snuggle as if you will never let her go.

Talk to her about how much you admire her and how she copes with the daily-ness of living with a chronic illness. Remind her that you”re never going anywhere and you feel blessed to be married to someone who shows so much strength in character when her body is weak.

Give her an indulgence of something she wouldn”t buy herself, especially something to lighten up her mood on days when she isn”t feeling well. Get her the DVD her favorite movie from high school, or a cozy new down comforter for her bed.

Schedule a day of rest for her. Get the kids out of the house, give her a new pair of pjs, and let her know she has he day to do whatever she wants.

Write her little love notes and hide them around the house. Or give her a romantic card and write in it, cover one whole panel with your own words.

Get romantic at home. Looking for a romantic dinner idea for staying home? Buy an electric fondue pot and pledge to dip something in candlelight one evening a week and just talk.

Are you having troubles starting up some romantic conversations? Buy a book about conversation starters or fill a jar with topics. Do a search online for “romantic conversation starters.”

Take the time to create the atmosphere. The new flameless candles that operate on a battery are great for a romantic environment. Make up a play list on your ipod that will take her back to simpler days. Bring a big bouquet of roses into the bedroom when she isn”t looking.

It’’s no surprise that women are complicated beings and rarely can you read her mind to know exactly what she needs and when she needs it. So be sure to just ask her outright. “What is on your mind most these days? How can I help you around the house more? What can I do to communicate just how much I love you?”

The good news is that perfection is not a requirement. Just by making the effort to increase the romance in the relationship will score you some big points. And she may not let you even have a chance to finish reading that book on romancing your wife, because if she sees you reading it, your willingness to read it may be all the romance she needs. One last piece of advice, doing the dishes or the laundry really can be the best way to your wife’’s heart.

About The Author

Receive 200 tips from “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” by Lisa Copen when you sign up for HopeNotes chronic illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the founder of Invisible Illness Awareness Week

By Lisa Copen

“Hot and bothered!” For most people these words create images of being twisted up in sheets, breathlessly reaching out to the one you love. For those with chronic illness, however, “hot” is more likely to refer to one’’s thyroid condition, night sweats, or a heating pad on high. “Bothered. . .” Well, let’’s just say when your body aches, everything makes you feel bothered: a cat that won”t move off your leg, a joint that continues to throb, and a husband that is able to snore through minor earthquakes. It can be hard to be romantic!

You may be surprised to know that nearly 1 in 2 people live with a chronic illness in the U.S.A. That means a whole lot of marriages have a third bed partner called “illness”–including mental illness too. Sadly, seventy-five percent of marriages that include illness end in divorce. Valentine’’s Day romance is a year-round requirement to keep the communication and joy going in your relationship.

So! How do you get the spark back? Here are some creative romantic gift ideas and ways to say, “I love you.”

You have to give it your best effort and avoid excuses. “I”m so tired and had such a hard day. I feel terrible.” I”ve said them all so I understand. Unfortunately the circumstances won”t likely change, so you have to change your attitude in order to have the benefit of getting to the joy of romance. Let yourself relax and push past the pain and see if you can forget a good chunk of it. Distraction can be a wonderful thing.

Prioritize romance. Cleaning the house all day Saturday and then claiming you”re “just too tired” can make your spouse feel that he isn”t as important as your own agenda. Get some rest so you can at least have a decent conversation without falling asleep.

Do whatever it takes to be enthusiastic for your romantic evening. If you go out for a nice dinner, don”t tell him over the menu, “I actually feel pretty sick, so I don”t know what to eat. I really am going out just as a favor for you.” (That’’s won”t turn your loved one on in the least!) Even if your romance is just dinner out, enjoy talking about some dreams you still have or what your hopes are for the future. Avoid talking about your illness or how it could change them all at the drop of a hat.

You don”t have to write romantic love poems. Just put together a mini-album of your favorite photos and include notes about your memories and how much he means to you.

Think of all of the thing you notice your spouse does that is never done with complaint and write them down with a bit thank you at the bottom. Does he take out the garbage, get you medicine in the middle of the night, bathe your child without complaint, or even clean out the litter box? Write these out or type tehm in fun fonts as something for him to treasure.

Women, get over feeling self-conscious and buy some underwear that doesn”t look like your grandmother’’s.

Ask your teen how to use that text message feature on your cell phone and send him a message that will make him look twice at who sent it to him! Go for it and be romantic, especially if it’’s the kind of thing you”d never usually do or say.

Give him a home-made coupon for something he would like but doesn”t splurge on very often such as, “Good for 5 guilt-free hours with your friends watching football.” Avoid making him feel guilty whenever he wants to do something you can participate in (like going hiking or riding a roller coaster.)

Perfect marriages will never exist, but a even a marriage that has an illness can be a huge blessing and not just a state of survival. Romance comes in many ways. I remember loving my husband more than ever the night I couldn”t not move because of a rheumatoid arthritis flare. I “slept” sitting on the couch and he spent the night on the floor beside the couch to comfort me every time I screamed from the pain.

Love comes in many forms. One of the books I”ve bought all the couples in my life is “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs. It talks a lot about “love languages” and how men feel loved when they feel respected, while women want to feel loved with emotions and words. Oftentimes we are offering our spouse what we desire rather than the “love language” they need. Being aware of all of the small ways we can show each other love and respect add up to romance when you least expect it.

About The Author

Receive 200 tips from “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” by Lisa Copen when you sign up for HopeNotes chronic illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the founder of Invisible Illness Awareness Week

By Ken Fry

Marriage counseling can help couples who simply want to strengthen their bonds and gain a better understanding of each other. It also helps you build your communication and intimacy skills. Marriage counseling or couples counseling can help resolve conflicts and heal wounds. Counseling helps rebuild relationships. Marriage counseling is a valuable opportunity for couples who want to build a healthy and long-lasting relationship.

Therapy
Most marriage counseling includes cognitive therapy, psychodynamic and object relations theories, family systems, communication, hypnosis, ego state, art, sand tray and play therapy, and group sessions. Therapy often begins as the couple analyzes the good and bad aspects of the relationship. You don”t always have to have a troubled relationship to seek therapy. Therapy often has an early “honeymoon” effect of symptom relief. When therapy seems difficult or painful, don”t give up – discuss your feelings and reactions honestly with your therapist and you will move forward rather than retreat back to your old, less effective ways.

Partner
Marriage counseling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. You and your partner will analyze both the good and bad parts of your relationship. Each partner often sees the problem quite differently, and has a different solution in mind. Each person brings his or her own ideas, values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they don”t always match their partner’’s. Sessions may pass in silence as you and your partner seethe over perceived wrongs. Equal sharing doesn”t work unless both partners really want it to; but when they do, it can give you both a life of intimacy, freedom and satisfaction. Creating a loving, enduring, and committed partnership/marriage will be the most exciting, though challenging, journey you face in your life.

Marriage Counseling is: therapy for married couples or established partners that via counseling attempts to resolve problems in the relationship. This counseling may also be called couples therapy, this helps couples – married or not – understand and resolve conflicts or improve their relationship. The counseling helps you change your destructive communication into respectful communication. The therapy brings attention to these problems and helps resolve them. Give each other the freedom to find your way through the partnership the way it works for you as individuals. If a spouse is resistant to the idea of marriage counseling, first try to help them understand what marriage counseling is about. Marriage counseling can help you understand your relationship better and make well-thought-out decisions.

About The Author

Ken Fry is committed to providing consumers a way to use the internet to obtain the best services and merchants in their geographical location. TenList. Find the Best Fast.
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